Sometimes I wonder

Where did I go, and when will I return; was I ever the woman I thought I was, or is this who I've always been? Is this who I am?

Journal entry, March 1999

Dear Annie,

Tonight as you lay asleep in your crib, I am missing you. It's a familiar feeling, the feeling that I can never have you enough. Like loving a great piece of art or a perfect jazz tune, I am moved in a way that makes me want to fly, but I can’t. And because my love makes me want to fly but I can’t, I am forced to slow down, come down, push aside something too big to fit in my brain and body.

But my heart, it expands every day that you are with me. It can burst, shine and breathe, and hold you at the same time. It can carry all the love I have for you from before I was born, and forward a thousand years. And yes, with you perched safely on its wings, it can even fly.

Middle man

I used to like the good guys, then I liked the bad boys, and now... I prefer something in between.

Snow

Click here for a few photos from my walk through Central Park.

Red flags

How do know that when a red flag flies, you didn't hoist it yourself without even knowing? How can you trust that the feeling in your gut is your faithful alarm, set to go off when you walk the wrong way? How can you be certain, when you hear your own voice, that the sound of suspicion is really just that, or if it's fear and confusion, because you stopped listening to yourself for so long that you just can't tell anything anymore?

Back by popular demand

For some creative, mindless fun, visit my newly resurrected blog, Wordification.

Sitting at the sidebar

Beethoven's Piano Sonata # 25 in G, Op. 79, performed by Alfred Brendel... beautiful.

In real time

Home today, coffee brews--big 'ol snowflakes fall outside my window.

Looking forward...

... to what's coming next...

Look closely...

This car has my name written all over it.

Too much to ask

I never needed a Savior, just a man with my best interest at heart. I never wanted a Prince, just a man to speak to me with kindness. I never longed for a Casanova, just a man to love to me right, and I never required a Knight in Shining Armor, just a man to keep me out of harm's way.

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was covered in shit. I frantically ran around looking for a washing machine and laundry soap, but people kept advising me to simply spray myself with perfume.

"I'm not going to cover it up!" I shouted, "I want this off of me!"

When I spotted a washer and dryer, it was barricaded and I couldn't get through, so I ran to another location, found a box of detergent, then darted into a public bathroom and saw a sink and shower. Not caring that people were watching, I stripped off all my clothes.

I was determined to, and I did, wash myself clean.

Early signs of love

This photograph hangs on my wall, right beside a great big window where I sit and think about the last year of my life, the years before that, the steps I have taken to get here, and the steps I'll take to move on.

I was once with a man who, no matter how much I wanted him to be, was not the man for me. And sometimes I think to myself, if only I could change reality. If only I could go back to when he was a boy, and be the one to take care of him then. I would have told him how good he was, how smart he was, and how brave he was; and all of those things would have been true. I would have told him that to become better you have to make mistakes, and to become who you are you have to be all of who you are. I would have written songs for him, baked pies for him, and sung to him at night. I would have been his cheerleader at the game, his protector at home, and his ally in the world.

But in this reality, my power is limited, and my love was never enough to make things right.

And as I sit by the window wishing he could have been what I wanted, or that I could have been what he needed, I see the picture that hangs on my wall. There she is: my chance, my turn.

She is the one under my care and protection, she is the one I nurture and sing to--she is the one who might someday be the mother to a beautiful and deserving boy, and posses the power to heal his heart long before it ever breaks.

Secret...

I really love my blog.

Lesson #846,718,403

It's okay for a man to knock you off your feet... it's just not okay for him to keep you off balance.

Quote

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Quote

A man can't ride your back unless it's bent~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sweet solitude

My intense desire for excitement is paralleled only by my insatiable need for peace.

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I walked outside and saw something that's never seen: a great big New York City sky full of constellations!

Today

Go Jets!

Shame on me

I once had a boyfriend who left me at home and spent the day at a nude beach with his ex-wife. Upon reflection, the complete lack of regard and respect for me in that one incident warranted a breakup, yet I tolerated so many more like it. Now, every so often, I think to myself: Katie-Girl, why did you ever put UP with that shit?

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was driving a huge bus, and when I pulled over, I saw a massive amount of ice weighing down the front end. With my bare hands, I began pulling off the enormous frozen sheets, and much to my surprise, they broke off with ease. I also noticed there was no more snow on the ground, and that the day had become unseasonably warm.

Ice breaker

Snow is like a relationship. The first fall of the season is so beautiful; pure, magical, untouched, and we're so excited and full of hope. But then we have to walk through its aftermath; all the cold, muddy mess, so the next time it falls we're just goin', "Oh hell, not again!"

Do you ever...?

... see someone standing on the corner who looks kind of like what your father would look like today if he were still alive? Do you ever follow that man with your eyes as he makes his way across the street, and imagine it's really him, and that you're walking beside him, holding his hand?

I do.

Thought in real time

Sometimes you have to stand right up against something to see it clearly, and sometimes, to see it even clearer, you have to stand way, way back.

Quote

If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.

~Emile Zola.

Thoughts in real time

All those pretty lights still outside on the trees.

Did I wash my hair today?

It's not that he wasn't the man I thought he was, it's that he wasn't the man I pretended he was.

I think I hear snow falling.

Someday he'll come along

Not a man who wishes to give me the moon, not a man who says he'll give me the moon, but a man who will actually give me the moon.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Evolving 301

I finally learned what it is I possess, and I finally understand what it is they want. I finally know how to keep my eyes open, and finally, I will guard and protect that thing as if my life depends on it.

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was holding a football in my hands, but the football wasn't filled with enough air. I noticed an attractive man smiling at me--he was also holding a football. He assured me that his football was better than mine, that in fact, it was the kind the professionals used. He then invited me to meet up with him and his friends for a game of toss, and I accepted the invitation. When we all convened, the men began lacing up their sneakers--obviously, what I thought was going to be some mindless fun was serious business to them. When I looked down and noticed I was barefoot, I felt unprepared to play.

Soon we were all inside a grounded airplane tossing around the ball with my daughter, then suddenly, without warning, the plane shot off into the sky. I was taken off guard, I felt as if I'd been deceived or tricked, I felt in danger.

The plane eventually leveled off, but I was still uneasy. I saw my mother's deceased friend Carol holding a book, looking out the window. She got up, strolled passed me, turned and said, "Katie, it's just an illusion."

"What's just an illusion?" I asked, "Flying?" Carol smiled, nodded, and walked away.

I wondered where the plane was going, I wondered when it would land, and I wondered why I hadn't been warned before takeoff.

Just then I looked out of the window, and through the clouds I saw the top of a playground swing. The clouds quickly cleared and revealed that the plane was still on the runway. I turned to my daughter. "We never even left the ground," I said.

Just then the pilot announced that it was indeed a joke, that the entire flight had been simulated.

It didn't matter that I had a deflated ball, or that I wasn't wearing shoes, or that I was ill prepared to play the game. It didn't matter that I had been deceived or that the pilot betrayed my trust.

It didn't matter because when the clouds cleared, I saw that I was never in danger;I had always been standing with my feet on the ground, and the rest... it was just an illusion.