Working title

This is all so unfamiliar to me. The absence of confusion, the quiet way I feel curious now. I told my mother the other day that I missed being tortured. She laughed and said it was a great line. Only trouble is for me, there's too much truth in that line.

I know that peace doesn't equal death, but I don't really know it. I know that love is kind, but I don't really know it. I know I've been with men who keep me at bay, keep me down, or just keep me, and I know I don't want that again-I know that.

I know I'm supposed to want what my brother says I should want, or what my friends think I should want, but the truth is, I don't know what I want. I do know I'm not going to want anything until I want it, and until I want it, I just want this. The sound of waves, just me, alone and always on the verge of something big.

The way things aren't

I thought I saw a sign that said Shoe Liquor, but it actually said, Shoe Liquidation. Then I thought I saw a sign that said Creeps and Waffles...

...but it didn't really say Creeps and Waffles. :)

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I poured a glass of water and drank it. Then I poured another glass of water, and a human heart rose to the top. I put the glass aside so I could show it to my father, so that maybe he could fix it somehow. Then I poured a third glass. The same heart appeared again, and again it floated to the top. I left the glass on the table and went to put on my shoes; I was already aware that the heart was now in my shoe, but I slipped my foot in anyway. I was watching myself from the outside now, and it was clear that I was under duress-standing on this human heart.

Was it mine? I don't know. It was a dream. 

Creating space

In my life and in my heart-for something different, something real, something more.

Perhaps.

Go figure

My spam folder consists primarily of offers for a bigger penis and a better tortilla.

Unsolicited advice from me

Don't believe a man when he tells you all he's going to do for and to you...just be open, pleasantly surprised, and appreciative when he shows you.

Could you be loved?

Although it's peculiar, how easy it is for me to open my heart to men with closed hearts-yet easy to close my heart to men who are open, I'm starting to believe that though it's unfortunate, maybe even tragic, this is far from an uncommon human experience.

Thought in real time

Everyone wants a piece of what's sacred, until nothing is sacred anymore.

Sweet dreams

Owls

The signs were there

His door was shut long before I ever arrived.

Mystery (movie) solved

Me: I've been seeing a lot of good movies lately.

Elisa: I saw a really good film about a paraplegic and his African attendant.

Me: I heard about that one-Mom, you saw that didn't you?

Mom: Yes I did-it was with Dustin Hoffman.

Elisa: The one I saw wasn't with Dustin Hoffman-we must be talking about two different films.

Mom: The movie I saw was about a man in a wheelchair and the relationship between him and his African caregiver. The man in the wheelchair was played by Dustin Hoffman.

Elisa: That's so strange because that's the same story of the movie that I'm talking about, but the star wasn't Dustin Hoffman-it was a French actor.

Me: Wait a minute! I watched a French film last night called "Tell No One." It was sort of a mystery-thriller and I thought the male lead bore an uncanny resemblance to Dustin Hoffman-even his mannerisms were like Hoffman's. If Mom saw a film that appears to be the same film as the one you saw, Elisa, and you are certain the lead was a Frenchman, might it be possible that the actor in question is the same one that starred in the film I watched last night?

Mom: Maybe, but I would be very surprised.

Me: Let me Google his name.

I show my mother and Elisa a picture of French actor, François Cluzet.

Elisa: That's him!

Mom: That's him!

In real time

In a room with closed windows and no air conditioner on-I am perfectly cooled by the fan overhead. No one home, quiet outside-I am at rest on the bed, looking up at a cracked yet solid white ceiling-feeling my still back, my body flat and stretched-street sounds, a car driving past, the steady hum of the fan going round-peace and me and nothing more.

Beauty

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was being held captive by a man who I soon discovered had stolen a human heart. I found the heart hidden behind a plank in the wall of the little room in which I was trapped, and once it was in my hand, I laid down on the floor by the door.

Stand up, I kept telling myself. If you don't stand up, when he discovers you have the heart, he's going to kill you.

I suddenly found myself outside of the house in the night. I had the heart in one hand, a set of keys in the other, and I ran toward a metal gate that surrounded the compound. I fumbled with the keys until I realized there was no lock-I was free to go, but my car was gone-my captor had taken it so I wouldn't get far.

Fact #1,203,316

A man who makes it a habit of walking 5 steps ahead of you on the street, and standing 5 steps above you on the escalator, is not a man you should spend 5 minutes of your time with.

Loud and clear

Lately I haven't been feeling so good about my body, and as I stood in my underwear and bra, looking through my closet for something to wear tonight, my mother said, "You're so beautiful."

I turned around and saw her there smiling.

"I don't feel so beautiful these days," I said. She looked at me up and down and still smiling she replied,"You don't know the value of your youth. Someday you will."

Realization #467,912

There are people who are artists who don't make art, and there are people who make art who aren't artists. I believe, if I ever expect to be seen and appreciated again by a man, it won't matter if he makes art or not, but he will most certainly have to be an artist.

Never stop smelling the roses

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed-too sensitive, too mushy, too wishy-washy, blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things-whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle...a footstep-feel it all-look around you. All of this is for you. Give it and feel love."

~Zooey Deschanel

There can be such freedom...

...in not caring about someone you used to love, and not loving someone you thought you could.

Beauty

Time of my life

With nothing in order I'm well prepared
More closed and more open
Without Him with me.
I have a vision of home now
And I'm almost there
Courageous,
Rare and radiant.