Snow

Click here for a few photos from my walk through Central Park.

Red flags

How do know that when a red flag flies, you didn't hoist it yourself without even knowing? How can you trust that the feeling in your gut is your faithful alarm, set to go off when you walk the wrong way? How can you be certain, when you hear your own voice, that the sound of suspicion is really just that, or if it's fear and confusion, because you stopped listening to yourself for so long that you just can't tell anything anymore?

Back by popular demand

For some creative, mindless fun, visit my newly resurrected blog, Wordification.

Sitting at the sidebar

Beethoven's Piano Sonata # 25 in G, Op. 79, performed by Alfred Brendel... beautiful.

In real time

Home today, coffee brews--big 'ol snowflakes fall outside my window.

Looking forward...

... to what's coming next...

Look closely...

This car has my name written all over it.

Too much to ask

I never needed a Savior, just a man with my best interest at heart. I never wanted a Prince, just a man to speak to me with kindness. I never longed for a Casanova, just a man to love to me right, and I never required a Knight in Shining Armor, just a man to keep me out of harm's way.

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was covered in shit. I frantically ran around looking for a washing machine and laundry soap, but people kept advising me to simply spray myself with perfume.

"I'm not going to cover it up!" I shouted, "I want this off of me!"

When I spotted a washer and dryer, it was barricaded and I couldn't get through, so I ran to another location, found a box of detergent, then darted into a public bathroom and saw a sink and shower. Not caring that people were watching, I stripped off all my clothes.

I was determined to, and I did, wash myself clean.

Early signs of love

This photograph hangs on my wall, right beside a great big window where I sit and think about the last year of my life, the years before that, the steps I have taken to get here, and the steps I'll take to move on.

I was once with a man who, no matter how much I wanted him to be, was not the man for me. And sometimes I think to myself, if only I could change reality. If only I could go back to when he was a boy, and be the one to take care of him then. I would have told him how good he was, how smart he was, and how brave he was; and all of those things would have been true. I would have told him that to become better you have to make mistakes, and to become who you are you have to be all of who you are. I would have written songs for him, baked pies for him, and sung to him at night. I would have been his cheerleader at the game, his protector at home, and his ally in the world.

But in this reality, my power is limited, and my love was never enough to make things right.

And as I sit by the window wishing he could have been what I wanted, or that I could have been what he needed, I see the picture that hangs on my wall. There she is: my chance, my turn.

She is the one under my care and protection, she is the one I nurture and sing to--she is the one who might someday be the mother to a beautiful and deserving boy, and posses the power to heal his heart long before it ever breaks.

Secret...

I really love my blog.

Lesson #846,718,403

It's okay for a man to knock you off your feet... it's just not okay for him to keep you off balance.

Quote

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Quote

A man can't ride your back unless it's bent~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sweet solitude

My intense desire for excitement is paralleled only by my insatiable need for peace.

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I walked outside and saw something that's never seen: a great big New York City sky full of constellations!

Today

Go Jets!

Shame on me

I once had a boyfriend who left me at home and spent the day at a nude beach with his ex-wife. Upon reflection, the complete lack of regard and respect for me in that one incident warranted a breakup, yet I tolerated so many more like it. Now, every so often, I think to myself: Katie-Girl, why did you ever put UP with that shit?

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was driving a huge bus, and when I pulled over, I saw a massive amount of ice weighing down the front end. With my bare hands, I began pulling off the enormous frozen sheets, and much to my surprise, they broke off with ease. I also noticed there was no more snow on the ground, and that the day had become unseasonably warm.

Ice breaker

Snow is like a relationship. The first fall of the season is so beautiful; pure, magical, untouched, and we're so excited and full of hope. But then we have to walk through its aftermath; all the cold, muddy mess, so the next time it falls we're just goin', "Oh hell, not again!"

Do you ever...?

... see someone standing on the corner who looks kind of like what your father would look like today if he were still alive? Do you ever follow that man with your eyes as he makes his way across the street, and imagine it's really him, and that you're walking beside him, holding his hand?

I do.

Thought in real time

Sometimes you have to stand right up against something to see it clearly, and sometimes, to see it even clearer, you have to stand way, way back.

Quote

If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.

~Emile Zola.

Thoughts in real time

All those pretty lights still outside on the trees.

Did I wash my hair today?

It's not that he wasn't the man I thought he was, it's that he wasn't the man I pretended he was.

I think I hear snow falling.

Someday he'll come along

Not a man who wishes to give me the moon, not a man who says he'll give me the moon, but a man who will actually give me the moon.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Evolving 301

I finally learned what it is I possess, and I finally understand what it is they want. I finally know how to keep my eyes open, and finally, I will guard and protect that thing as if my life depends on it.

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was holding a football in my hands, but the football wasn't filled with enough air. I noticed an attractive man smiling at me--he was also holding a football. He assured me that his football was better than mine, that in fact, it was the kind the professionals used. He then invited me to meet up with him and his friends for a game of toss, and I accepted the invitation. When we all convened, the men began lacing up their sneakers--obviously, what I thought was going to be some mindless fun was serious business to them. When I looked down and noticed I was barefoot, I felt unprepared to play.

Soon we were all inside a grounded airplane tossing around the ball with my daughter, then suddenly, without warning, the plane shot off into the sky. I was taken off guard, I felt as if I'd been deceived or tricked, I felt in danger.

The plane eventually leveled off, but I was still uneasy. I saw my mother's deceased friend Carol holding a book, looking out the window. She got up, strolled passed me, turned and said, "Katie, it's just an illusion."

"What's just an illusion?" I asked, "Flying?" Carol smiled, nodded, and walked away.

I wondered where the plane was going, I wondered when it would land, and I wondered why I hadn't been warned before takeoff.

Just then I looked out of the window, and through the clouds I saw the top of a playground swing. The clouds quickly cleared and revealed that the plane was still on the runway. I turned to my daughter. "We never even left the ground," I said.

Just then the pilot announced that it was indeed a joke, that the entire flight had been simulated.

It didn't matter that I had a deflated ball, or that I wasn't wearing shoes, or that I was ill prepared to play the game. It didn't matter that I had been deceived or that the pilot betrayed my trust.

It didn't matter because when the clouds cleared, I saw that I was never in danger;I had always been standing with my feet on the ground, and the rest... it was just an illusion.

Countdown

If you want to know what the next ten years of your life are going to look like, take a look at the last ten... even the last one. And if you don't like what you see, then stop singing the same song. Stop telling the same story, stop sleeping in the same bed. Move in a forward direction and remember, there's a big difference between taking a step back or getting off course, than there is in standing in the same spot you've always stood.

Either change the channel on your life, or accept that your reality, in large part, is your own creation.

From the Half Note and from me, I wish you all a Happier New Year.

Sweet memory

I once had a lover who would wake me in the middle of the night and whisper, "Do you still love me?" And in the dark I would always smile and answer, "Yes," because how could I not still love a man who woke me in the middle of the night and asked, "Do you still love me?"

Falling

I've dusted off my old blog Snap shot. Click here to see a few images of the past 24 hours.

For Love's sake

Treat her the way you want to be treated, honor her the way you want to be honored, and protect her far better than you would ever protect yourself.

If she's a good woman, you will get from her what you give, and more.

k.b.

Snow angel

Merry Christmas

From my niece's dog, Nike (photo taken today in the Chicago snow)... and from me. xxo

For Lucinda

... There was milk and toast and honey
And a bowl of oranges, too
And the sun poured in like butterscotch
And stuck to all my senses.

Joni Mitchell

In real time

White lights decorate the trees outside, my mother remembers Christmases past. My daughter bakes her pumpkin cookies, and the kitchen smells like nutmeg and home.

Redemption room (re-post)

I received an email from my friend Cooper who told me that in 1999, she created a writing room in her house with the intention of giving it a proper name. Rewind to 1983, I was taking a women's literature course in Santa Cruz and thought the professor had assigned a book by Virginia Woolf called A Room of One Zone. Needless to say, I had a very difficult time locating this book, and when my friend Tai revealed my faux pas at Aerophant, Cooper read it and was inspired to finally name her sacred space.

Happy birthday, Honey

Q&A (re-post)

Q: What becomes of serious little girls?




A: They become serious big girls.

Secret

This is the first Christmas in my adult, single life that I have not wished for a sweetheart. But regardless, I still find Christmas music a little bit sad when I'm sweetheartless.

Sitting at the sidebar

It's been a long time since I've posted something at the sidebar, a long time since I even listened to the music I love. It's been a long time since I've done a lot of things that please me, or inspire me, or ignite a fire or even a flame. But regardless of the wrong choices I've made, being so far from my own joy was something too unfamiliar, so I spent time tracking it down, finding, then reclaiming it.

Today, someone who knows me well said, "Katie, you're back." And he's right.

Lately I've been thinking about how we all have songs or albums that remind us of specific times in our lives, and since this time has been so filled with change, not just in regards to where I live or who I love, but deep down-to-the-bone change, I thought it a good idea to find new music to play in my new background. Music I've never heard before, music that reminds me of nothing else and of no one. Something clean like freshly printed paper, just itching for a pen and a new story.

So here it is, Chanda Mama, the first song on my new soundtrack, from an album fittingly titled, Playing For Change.

Click the music player up top and to the right of this post. I can only hope you'll be as joyful listening to it as I am, and if you also feel something that resembles a return to yourself, well then, even better.

1 more day

I've fallen in love with this place, and leaving it feels like leaving a lover. The kind of lover that protects and takes care of you--the kind of lover that makes you feel seen, safe and free; the kind of lover that's impossible not to miss.

All in a day

I saw blue jays, hummingbirds, rabbits and doves--I swam alone under pouring rain and a rising mist. When I looked up from the water I saw orange trees and palms, and a flock of black crows. I was reminded again why I love this life.

Not lost & found

Don't you love when you thought you lost something, but you actually didn't? Like your wallet, or your keys, or your favorite ring, or your self?

A Superior man

Two weeks ago, I met a taxi cab driver who has a wife and three kids to support. They all live in Maryland, and during the week the cab driver tutors French to high school students. Every Friday after work, he takes a train from his home in Annapolis Maryland to Penn Station in New York City, then another train to Queens. He arrives in Queens at three o'clock in the morning, walks to his friend's apartment and sleeps on the sofa for two hours. He wakes up, takes a bus to pick up his cab, then drives in the city all of Friday, all of Saturday, and all of Sunday. On Sunday night he returns to Queens and drops off his cab, takes a train to Penn Station, then a train back to Maryland, then he does it all again.

From the time I got into the cab driver's car, to the time I reached my destination, he told me his story with humor in his heart, ease in his body, and a smile on his face.

I wouldn't live in Ohio...

... but I would live in Ojai.

3 more days.

6 days

In the last six days, I've hiked more miles than I have in the last 10 years. In the last six days, I've experienced more natural beauty than I have in the last 3 years. In the last six days, I've spent more time with my friend than in what felt like forever, and if it weren't for my family back home, I might never leave.

Homecoming

During our lives, though we may stray, lose our way, or simply try something new, we all eventually return to the familiar. How lucky that what's familiar to me is a healthy body, a peaceful day, and a whole lot of kindness and respect.

Secret

I took this picture today, and where I am... it's 80 degrees in the sun.

30 years ago today

Imagine. Remember.