Tonight

I’m reading a little book by Thich Nhat Hanh called, “Taming the Tiger Within, Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions.” I read one or two meditations every morning and ponder them throughout the day; some stay with me into the night, but the following one has remained in my head for several days:

“If you get angry easily, it may be because the seed of anger in you has been watered frequently over many years, and unfortunately you have allowed it or even encouraged it to be watered.”

I am compelled to put forth my deepest feelings, let them slip into the cosmos and find a home in the arms of the universe, but it’s a tricky thing, a constant struggle to reveal and conceal at the same time. (Thus, perhaps, the half pictures of me.) But here goes.

When did I begin to water the seed of my anger, what month was it, what year was it? What day did the girl I was…let go of the woman I was supposed to be? At what moment did I begin to create and accept a life that in many ways went against my nature?

Before meeting David, I was often in relationships where I allowed myself to be unappreciated and undervalued. After I was married I gave up most of my dreams. Later, I opened my heart to someone who was not there for me, yet even after a storm blew in and knocked down everything inside, I refused to close the windows. I was told I was not a priority, and still, I kept the windows open wide.

I have watered the seed of my anger, and it has grown for too long. But tonight…

I stop.