More than this

Two years ago I looked at my life, and a simple realization shook me in a profound way. Unless something big happened, the next fifteen years were going to look like the last, so I changed direction, stepped onto a new path, and soon discovered it was not the end of anything, it was the continuation of everything. What I could not foresee was the world of awakening that was waiting, and when it took hold, I surrendered.

In the past two years I've been in flux, transition, turmoil, and in love. I've been happier than I've ever been and sadder than I thought possible, and nothing about the time has looked like anything else. The future is now a present moment, an ocean both raging and calm, inviting and daunting, always patient as I dive in and come out, dive in and come out.

There's a saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. There's a belief (and I share it) that what comes to you serves as a mirror and if you let it, will aid in your evolution. You can take action or not, change course or not, but hopefully you'll hold the mirror and see that whoever you are is who you are supposed to be, and wherever you are is where you are supposed to be.

When I was a girl, I had a fantasy of being rescued by a handsome soldier. When I was a teenager, I spent hours in my room with the radio on, wishing to be inside every one of those songs. And when I was a young woman, no dream could compare to the dream of love, so I never bothered dreaming of more.

If everything is a mirror that comes custom-made to teach lessons, then it is no cosmic error that the form in which love has presented itself to me has been out of reach, either by physical or emotional distance. A year ago, when it was clear that one relationship would not move forward, my mother was glad. She thought if I embarked on a life with him, the necessary and developing relationship with myself would cease, and I would make being his woman all of who I was. I suspect she was right. Regardless, I wasn't ready then, and maybe I'm still not. Maybe love won't come at all until I am.

Today I'm in a place that does not resemble completion or enlightenment, but I do understand I am more than I once thought. I am more than my charm, my body and my brains, I am more than a fantasy, a love song or a dream.

I will never be a woman who declares she doesn't need a man, but I will save my gifts for someone who shares his with me. I may never say I don't need love to make me whole, but in my moments of longing, I will recognize I am whole. I might never again follow love unless love follows me, but there is one thing I know -- I will keep diving into the warm and icy water, I will come out and dive in, come out and dive in, and whether I'm hit by a wave or soothed by the sun, I will know I am exactly who I am supposed to be, exactly where I am supposed to be.