Tuesday, December 29, 2009

In real time

Freezing cold outside, hot tea with honey for my ailing throat. Laundry goes, so does my head, wondering what I can make of the day, and what it will bring on its own.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed a man I used to love was lying in a bed--his nose had a strip of tape across it to prevent him from snoring, and his neck was covered in acupuncture needles. In reality, he wasn't a very sensitive man, at least not outwardly, so I was surprised when he broke down in tears and cried because he missed me.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

It's so easy...

... for me to feel loved, and unloved.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

At the end of a calendar year, I can't help but look back--it just happens, it's just there. It's like reaching the finish line of another race, an evaluation of what came before and of how far I've come. It's also a reminder of how much further there is to go.

I want to thank my mother for being able to see more than two sides to everything. I want to thank David for his unwavering friendship, and Tai for being so close, even when she's so far. I want to thank Kerry for understanding heartbreak, and for knowing that when she washes my dishes, she shows me her love. I want to thank my brother Daniel for going to bat for me over and over again. I want to thank Elizabeth for her sisterhood and gut-splitting humor, and Lou Ann for making it impossible not to be part of our family. I want to thank Lisa for holding the rope when I climbed out of my self-imposed hell. I want to thank Norman for sharing with me his inspiring strength, and I want to thank Annie for giving me all the purpose I could ever need to travel through another year, and through the rest of my life.
Savor the tender way he looks at you, the strong way he holds your hand, the clean smell of your daughter's hair, or the easy smile on her perfect face. Because you never know when his words will sting, or how soon she will be leaving home.

Monday, December 14, 2009

In real time

Dinner cooks, Brubeck plays, Annie on computer, Martinis for me and my man.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

In real time

Happy night last night--sweetheart, family, friends and martinis. Sad morning this morning--gray sky and longing for nothing. Happy day later--shower, coffee, music, and knowing joy is always a step away from here.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Wait for me

I always find my way back and when I do, as always, I'll have something to say.



Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Moment in time

Last night, I vacuumed the rugs while he played his horn.

Laughing out loud

I love when I'm laughing in my dream and then I wake up because I'm also laughing out loud. (It's why I'm up so early this morning).

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed my friend Tai and I were talking about all the places we'd traveled. I dreamed she'd visited with Cristian, who was visiting his mother, who was visiting Miami. I dreamed I was in a room with Stephen Colbert, and he was making me laugh really hard.

I dreamed I had a new job in a small office, and was given a crappy little desk. I announced to everyone, "Hey, thanks for the crappy little desk, now I can do some crappy little work!" My coworkers looked at me with understanding and in agreement, but also with resignation. Soon an office manager walked in and handed me a set of keys. "These are for you," she said, "But they won't unlock anything."