Sunday, October 27, 2013

Just a little bit longer

This morning I climbed into bed with my 16-year-old daughter, the girl who is so often mad at me and not as readily affectionate as she once was. I got under the covers as she stirred-her warmth enveloping my cool body. I curled up against her back and pressed my face to her shoulder; I couldn't stop smiling.

"Life is hard, Katie," I heard my father's words, "And we live for the good moments."

I watched my daughter's tender profile as she slept for some time, and when I stood up to go make the coffee, she whispered to me, "Stay."

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Better late

I'm so glad that two men I dated said they would teach my daughter how to ride a bike but never did. I'm so glad that a third guy said he would teach my daughter how to ride a bike, but instead, put her on a hill, sent her down, then lit a cigarette and stormed off, accusing her of being "Too fearful" after she whimpered when she fell.

I'm so glad, because the man who finally did teach my daughter how to ride a bike is a man my daughter loves and respects, who makes her feel cared for and considered, and who not only lived up to his word, but who also felt honored to be the man who taught my daughter how to ride a bike.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Better late

I'm so glad I didn't discover Mumford & Sons earlier than I did. I would hate not to be able to listen to them now because I played their music during a bad time in my life, or in the midst of a shitty relationship.

Monday, September 02, 2013

Thought in real time

All this strength and insight, yet I can still crumble over something like words that weren't said.

Thursday, August 15, 2013


This morning I saw a woman on the train platform. She had the most drop-dead gorgeous body, and I immediately felt jealous. Then I waited for her to turn around, hoping that she didn't also have a beautiful face. When she turned around, and I saw that her face was not only not beautiful, but that she was actually quite unattractive, I immediately felt relived. And as she walked away, I felt glad for her, that at least, since she was not blessed with a pretty face...she was blessed with a great figure.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

This moment right here

I used to title some of my posts, Evolving 101, and sometimes, when I felt I really understood something, Evolving 201, and on even rarer occasions, Evolving 301. I used these titles because I saw (see) myself as a student, and certainly, I can see the proof of that, and the progress.

Love-it's the thing that has delighted and disappointed, confused and so oftentimes consumed me. It's the thing I thought was one thing, then discovered was another thing, and then after that, something entirely different. So now, when I think of the numbers I've assigned to wherever I am in the course, I see that they are completely without weight or meaning. Because just when I think I have learned something, or know something, or "grok" something, that something itself changes and evolves into something else.

I was 43 when I started this blog, when I started waking up in a way I'd never woken up before. And for the years following, I opened, unfolded, revealed and recoiled, until I arrived at this moment, this moment right here.

When I was a child, I recognized love as a combination of adoration and neglect. As a young woman, I recognized love as something steady and unmoving. As a woman awake after years of sleeping, I recognized love as a fire burning so hot, that it left me burnt beyond recognition. And today, I recognize love as something like recognition itself.

It's the reflection of me when I look in his eyes, the expansion of my heart when he looks into mine. Love is motion without chaos, it's mutual and fluid, and funny, and it's dangerous and safe at the same time. Love is hot and it warms me. It's honoring the one I love, and crossing my fingers that he will honor me, not out of obligation, but of his own free will. 

I can't say that I surrender now, but I surrender more than I ever have. I can't say that I've passed a course, or even a test, but I can say that I've been to the mountaintop. It's high up here, and I'm scared of heights. It's hard to breathe up here, but I've never seen a more beautiful view. Never before this moment, right now, right here.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

50 and counting

Turning 50 was slightly uncomfortable (the continued emotional roller coaster ride, blah, blah, blah), but at the same time so completely joyful in a way that none of my birthdays have ever been. I don't believe I have ever had, in 3 days, such an outpouring of goodwill and love. Gifts were sent to me via e-cards and emails, voice mails, text messages, parcel post, fedex and flower shops. Greetings and well-wishes were offered by co-workers, strangers, old friends, new friends, family and of course by my beloved who, among many gifts he gave and continues to give me, decorated our birthday hotel room before I arrived. 

I didn't have all of this when I turned 20, or 30, or even 40, because all of this comes from, and is a reflection of, a life that's not just been survived, but that's been lived.

Saturday, July 06, 2013

17 years later

I don't know what day it was, the day I stopped thinking about my father every day of every month of every year since he died. But now when I am reminded of him, I can still feel taken off guard-my heart can still break as if it were only yesterday that I learned he was gone forever.

Monday, July 01, 2013


Healthy mother, normal daughter, loving sweetheart, consistent work, hot summer.

All is well.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Hitting pause

Have you ever been unable to identify anything particularly wrong in your life, yet you feel as if your life isn't right?

Have you ever had two or three creative ideas that not long ago excited you, but that you now have no passion for at all?

Have you ever been with your man and had the best time of your life, and then just a few weeks later feel as if you might not want to be partnered with anyone, would rather not have a party for your birthday, or even return to Jamaica, and the thought of swimming with dolphins makes you sad because you know that after an hour or two, you'll just have to stop swimming with them?

Saturday, May 11, 2013

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed I was driving a car, and up ahead I saw a little girl walking her red Shetland pony along the city street. A man walking ahead of her took a last puff of his cigarette and tossed it on the ground, The pony stepped on the still lit cigarette and took off running. The little girl was dragged a few feet as she tried desperately to hold on the the lead, but then the pony broke free. I turned my car left and saw the girl being helped by a stranger, so I drove as fast as  I could in hopes of saving the pony. But when I turned right, I looked down onto the highway, and it was too late-the pony had been hit and was dead.

Approaching 50

I want more and I want less. I want what I never had, and everything I used to have. I want love not to hurt, but I want it to sting a little sometimes. I want my daughter to grow up, and be 15 forever. I want to travel to a place like India, and stay safe here at home. I want a massive birthday celebration in summer, and I want to sneak off with my man to someplace quiet, someplace under the stars, and welcome 50 with a whisper.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Better late than never

It's taken nearly 50 years, but I finally understand that pain doesn't equal passion. It's taken nearly 50 years, but I'm finally learning to sink into bliss like feet sink into sand.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Advice to women who like men

Only be with men who honor you. Only be with men who are strong in character, who are hard workers, and who don't want to live off of your money. Only be with men who avoid doing or saying things they know will upset or harm you. Only be with men who make you laugh. Only be with honest men. Only be with men you are physically drawn to. Only be with men who think you are beautiful. Only be with men who only want to be with you.

Unless of course, you want another kind of man.

Friday, April 12, 2013

With and without you

Oftentimes, having a teenage child feels like the person you love most in the world has died, yet they're still walking around in their body.

Saturday, March 23, 2013


The sun is shining, my daughter is smiling, I found the expensive vitamin pill that rolled under my bed. After 4 jobs back-to-back, I have time off, my bills are paid, my mother is alive and well, and next weekend I'm going on retreat to Vermont with my sweetheart.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Fearless leader

John Coltrane is never not right in the morning, but sometimes he's even righter.

Saturday, March 02, 2013


As I'm writing this, my fifteen year old daughter is taking a shower. I have only ever heard pop music coming from her iphone when she plays it in the bathroom-I have only heard songs that are loud and/or sexually and violently explicit. But right now I hear jazz coming from her iphone. Real jazz. My daughter, on her own, is listening to jazz.

Friday, March 01, 2013

Music to my ears

Tonight my 15-year-old daughter turned on a Pandora jazz station.

"I like this," she said.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's called Three Little Words by Stan Getz."

Sometimes I wonder

How many of those tiny ketchup packets there are on the planet.

Thursday, February 07, 2013


I'm with a man who doesn't want me to be anything I'm not, or stop being anything I am. I trust him completely when we're together, and just as much when we're apart. I'm with a man who is the opposite of a Yes Man, but who says yes to me almost always. I'm with a man who makes me laugh hard and breathe easy, who makes me feel like the only woman on earth, and sometimes I just can't believe how I ever accepted and lived with anything else.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Goodbye, dear friend

You will be loved for eternity, Jon Fromer.