Weather ... or Not.

It’s Northern California weather in Manhattan this morning. Bright sun, a clear blue sky, crisp air and a slight chill. Leave it to me to find the sadness in such beauty.

It may be obvious to say that the sadness comes from wanting desperately to hold on to a day like today, but it’s true. A morning like this puts me in deep touch with how beautiful life is, then, in my attempt to grab it, it slips through my hands.

I have often held tight to a rare day like this, to a memory of the past, to the feeling of a new love or the fantasy of another life. But when I go there I miss out on real life; the one that is here in front of me, the weather that is mine to enjoy.

When I was a child I had a recurring dream that my father died. I spent years being afraid of it and as a young woman I’d even write him letters in which I would jokingly remind him to be careful when crossing the street. All those years of being afraid and trying to hold on to him, he died anyway.

So today I will do the same thing I did yesterday. I will take a book and my music and sit on the roof. I will hold on to this day, and I will try and let it go.