Monday, July 02, 2007

Confessions of an online dating drop-out

My friend Tai once said, "Katie, if you go out with 7 men in 7 nights, I guarantee you all of them will want to see you again and you will want to see none of them again." I was confused by her statement, and only because I know she wants the best for me did I understand she was trying to be encouraging. But going on 7 dates in 7 days with 7 men I would never want to see again sounded like a nightmare to me.

A few weeks ago another friend talked me into posting a profile on one of these "Hip & edgy" New York online dating websites. It didn't matter to her that I was not in the market for a man, (Why does no one believe this?) She felt that being wined and dined by a few interesting men was just what I needed to get myself out of the funk I was in. So together we created my profile and posted a picture of me (Shown here), looking slightly pissed off and disinterested. The truth is, I would have been happy if it had just ended there, but 12 hours later I was inundated with emails, and an hour after that I removed my profile all together.

Here are just three of the "Interesting men" who made my decision easy:

You really look very hot and attractive and to be honest, that's what made me want to write to you. I am Italian and I would love to keep in touch with you. Kisses, S
Gorgeous, I'd love to photograph you! Right, you and your "ex" are great friends. Of course, he's not your ex, and I doubt he shares your excitement for this newly blissful state of friendship, and by the time you're actually divorced, it's going to be total agony for the next 5 years or so. The great thing about being a strong and beautiful woman who wants her independence is she typically maintains control. It hardly matters anyway, because assuming you have a healthy, bright child, she'll hate you both in 6 years. And I am not too old for you. I'm far more fascinating than anyone you've ever met. Sheer entertainment -- fun for everyone. d
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day (or words to that effect)? I have redeeming social value and unsuspected depth. For one, I'm intrigued by the wit, warmth, and intelligence that comes through even in your all too brief profile. Blond, blue-eyed, just shy of six feet tall... Divorced, no kids (but I love kids)... Fun and funny (I hope), bright, literate and articulate (I hope), passionate, compassionate, deeply sensual (I really hope.) A knight errant who believes chivalry is not dead, just on sabbatical. Younger than springtime and button cute. M

(Okay, so the last one isn't so bad, but I couldn't be with a guy who called himself, "Button cute," I just couldn't.)


AMGallegos said...

>>>Gorgeous, I'd love to photograph you!

Come on, I would go out with this guy...

Ponygecko said...

Ha! Katie (I am a Katie too. What's the chance of that? Only an Aries Katie, so much less dignified and graceful)--we should share stories--ever find a business card from the probation dept. on the dashboard of the car of your online date?

I've got you beat, then.

shaniqua said...

that is absolutely hillarious. i wish i had saved some of the crazy messages i received when i put a profile on line a while ago. i like you, didn't last on there for long before taking the profile off.