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Tuesday, December 29, 2009
In real time
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Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
In my dreams
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
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I want to thank my mother for being able to see more than two sides to everything. I want to thank David for his unwavering friendship, and Tai for being so close, even when she's so far. I want to thank Kerry for understanding heartbreak, and for knowing that when she washes my dishes, she shows me her love. I want to thank my brother Daniel for going to bat for me over and over again. I want to thank Elizabeth for her sisterhood and gut-splitting humor, and Lou Ann for making it impossible not to be part of our family. I want to thank Lisa for holding the rope when I climbed out of my self-imposed hell. I want to thank Norman for sharing with me his inspiring strength, and I want to thank Annie for giving me all the purpose I could ever need to travel through another year, and through the rest of my life.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
In real time
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Laughing out loud
In my dreams
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I dreamed I had a new job in a small office, and was given a crappy little desk. I announced to everyone, "Hey, thanks for the crappy little desk, now I can do some crappy little work!" My coworkers looked at me with understanding and in agreement, but also with resignation. Soon an office manager walked in and handed me a set of keys. "These are for you," she said, "But they won't unlock anything."
Friday, November 27, 2009
In real time
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Just around the corner
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Almost 4 weeks later, I met him again at the same cafe. He had made his move to the mid-west, and was back in New York to tie up loose ends. He looked at me with a side glance, curious and smiling and something more. We kissed, we courted, then returned together to St. Louis to retrieve his things.
For years he lived just around the corner. Now he lives with me.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Cleaning day
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Opening my heart to someone at twenty-six was like being on a train. I bought a ticket and gave little thought to the speed I was traveling, or to whether or not I was on the right track. At forty-six, I still want the rush and I crave the unknown, but I'm also aware of reckless rides and roadblocks, and that I may need to avoid a crash.
I want to clear shelf space for him, put his toothbrush next to mine--create a sanctuary so, at the end of the day when he's done slaying dragons, he can return to a place of peace. I want to wash his socks and iron his shirts, and see the appreciation in his eyes when I do. My feminine gifts are domestic in form, physical, and spiritual--each one offered in return for all he gives me.
I'm learning a song on the guitar, and the words go like this:
Please, don't let me down this time-
I've come a long way just to fall back into line.
I've been singing those lyrics for two weeks now, silently asking him to please not let me down. But today, after running another load of laundry and stacking dry silverware into a drawer, I made time to practice my guitar. And the minute I sang that line, I cried because I knew it wasn't he who could let me down, it was me.
He requires nothing I don't already possess, demands nothing I don't give freely, but if I'm not careful, I could dedicate my life to being me, for him. I could let go of my blog, my book, my guitar and then my song--and if my song goes, so do I.
"Don't have faith in me," he said this morning. "Have faith in yourself."
I didn't have to process it or test to see if it was true.
So I'll cook when I cook and when I don't, there's take-out. I'll clean when I clean and when I don't, there's tomorrow. I'll walk by the river, write my book and I'll learn new songs, and I'll remember that the sanctuary he longs for won't be found in an empty sink, but in the full and fulfilled heart of the woman he loves.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thoughts in real time
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Relative ride
Monday, November 02, 2009
Gift
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Risk
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Evolving 101
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Pro choice
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Saturday, October 17, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Thoughts in real time
Saturday, October 03, 2009
The garden
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When a woman makes love, is she angel or whore, does she walk in dirt across a sunlit street, or is it all part of the same path?
Jesus, Buddha, Allah, legalize, criticize, until death do you part or love the one you're with--because all of it's true, and none of it's true, so we just try to take care.
Friday, October 02, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Facebook & forget
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Today, thirty years later, the boy befriended me on facebook, and what a laugh I had when I read a comment on his wall--a friend accusing him of pulling a no-show!
So glad time heals all wounds and God knows, even my bad memories are becoming good ones.
In my dreams
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Suddenly and abruptly he said, "I have to go!" I looked at him and said, "No you don't, you don't have to go."
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thoughts in real time
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Taking guitar lessons is proving to be transformative.
Why does "Transformative" come up as incorrectly spelled?
I'm constantly amazed by how careful people are.
I wish I were boarding a plane tomorrow.
I guess I do cry a lot, but really, I'm just deeply moved a lot.
Feelings, words, and declarations are gifts, but no one is here taking care of me.
Dirty kitchen.
Look how my daughter rolled up the toothpaste so nice. Look at the person I've raised.
Wow, it's late.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thoughts in real time
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It must be exhausting, all the effort, all the energy my young friends use to appear disinterested in each other. They are all so guarded and fragile. Wouldn't it be nice if they could free themselves now instead of twenty years from now?
The tattoo was the most extreme thing I could do in terms of a declaration. The only thing left would have been to jump off a bridge, but that's just not my style.
One of my greatest fears is that I will cease caring.
Drink more water.
Buy new music.
Sometimes when I make the bed, I imagine someone other than myself will sleep there.
Finish movie.
It's all been worth it.
Fold laundry.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Shadows and light
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At 2:00 a.m., as I walked home with someone I'd only met hours before, I asked myself: What am I doing, what do I expect, what do I want? And as I climbed his stairs, made my way through the hall and watched as he opened the door, I knew I was not exactly where I wanted to be, but would discover days later I was exactly where I needed to be.
With no interest in punishing myself for the obvious foolishness of going home with a man I didn't know, a man who possibly placed little if any value on me at all, I turned around and walked home.
There was a darkness in that night and in the nights that followed, but I understand that even when I'm making wrong choices, they are also right choices. Sometimes I have to dabble in what doesn't shine to be reminded where the light lives, and sometimes it takes a walk down a deserted street, through an unfriendly world of my own creation, to return me to the bright side where I know I belong.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Mama mia!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Truer words
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~Rasha
Pure joy
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Saturday, September 12, 2009
In real time
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Thought in real time
Do what you have to do, be where you have to be, but try to end up where you want--with the one you want.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Eight years ago & almost to the hour
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Thursday, September 10, 2009
I gotta feeling
Annie is eleven, almost twelve, and her iPod is becoming more and more important. Tonight, after her second day of seventh grade, she flopped down on the sofa, offered me half of her headphones, and played me some songs.
"This is my favorite part!" She said as we huddled listening to Supertramp. "Right here, Mom, where the saxophone comes in, I love that!"
Her newly streaked reddish hair and rock 'n roll cut, her deep dimples, shining eyes and sweet smell; I couldn't help but move in closer, stare and smile, wishing I could climb inside her world as she mouthed the words.
"Do you like this?" She asked while playing the new Black Eyed Peas.
"I love this," I replied. "I love this."
Click the music player to hear what she hears, I Gotta Feeling you'll like it.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Thought in real time
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Upon reflection
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Me: "Thanks mom, that means a lot to me."
Mom: "And someday I'd like to sit down with you and have a philosophical discussion about your beliefs."
Me: "You mean you think my beliefs about love and romance are wrong?"
Mom: "Well, I don't want to say they're wrong."
Me: "But you think they're a little extreme?"
Mom: "Yes, maybe."
Me: "But here's the thing. I posted the piece as a way of saying that I'm not going to deny it. I'm not going to pretend that I feel anything different, because regardless of how I'm perceived, it is the way it is for me."
Mom: "Do you mean you posted it to cover your tracks?"
Me: "Cover my tracks?
Mom: "Yes. So let's say next time, when you write about love, you've already admitted everything so no one can accuse you of being too extreme."
Me: "No, that's not it. I'm not covering my tracks, I'm declaring it."
Mom: "Declaring it, okay, that makes more sense."
Me: "Also, I'm not saying that what I feel or want today will be what I feel or want tomorrow. I'm just talking about knowing myself, and knowing what I feel and want now. The thing is, I was married for 17 years and I know what love is. I know what it is with David, I know what it is with G., with C., and with A. My first serious relationship was when I was 17, and I know what that love is. I know the temporary kind, the cruel kind, and the kind in between. I have no illusions about my illusions, I'm not a 20-year-old girl holding out for something she saw in a movie. I'm a 46-year-old woman who, when it comes to love has a huge body of work to draw from, and who's earned the right to feel exactly what she feels, and want exactly what she wants, and have it change with no warning, and who makes no apologies for anything."
Mom: "You know what?"
Me: "What?"
Mom: "That makes complete sense to me."
Long pause.
Me: "Was that our philosophical discussion?"
Mom: "Yep!"
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