All in a day

Dreamed of owning thigh-high boots, edited video footage of prostitutes, and sang Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey with an old man in front of a candy store.

Thought in real time

The sunflower is one of the most resilient of all flowers. But even a sunflower needs to be fed in order to grow.

The way things are

When I walk down the street toward home, I often see him standing outside, deep in thought. Sometimes I call out, and sometimes I just wave. Sometimes we embrace, and sometimes we kiss. Sometimes we hold hands and say nothing, because there's nothing to say. And sometimes I just keep on walking, and pretend I don't see him at all.

Rest in Peace

Howard Zinn.

And just like that...

All by myself, I found another moment of peace.

Sitting at the sidebar

While listening to an old favorite, I am Helplessly Hoping for another moment of peace.

Question

How do I block out, and let the world in at the same time?

The only way to change

Stop looking at everyone else--start looking at yourself.

Woman's work

Cleaning house, healing heart--and blogging it in real time.

Evolving 101

It's 4:30 am., and maybe I can't sleep because although I'm a grown-ass woman, I only just realized that I can't be saved by anyone but myself. What a thing to finally learn--seems like I should have gotten this long ago. So what do I do now? Honestly, I don't know.

All in a day

Heard from a childhood friend, thought a lot about love, ate grapes, talked on the phone to someone who cares, co-wrote a song about boots with my daughter.

Thoughts of love in real time

I want love to be on fire, but I don't want it to smell like nicotine. I want to be inebriated, but I don't want to drink in order to say what's in my heart. I want to be free, but I want to set boundaries and live freely inside them. I want my music loud and my home quiet. I want my mind dirty and my body clean, and I want the same for the man with whom I share it all.

Sitting at the sidebar

There's a change taking place in me. At first I fought it tooth and nail and held on for dear life--but now I see it's needed. The hopelessly romantic girl is growing up, letting go of old beliefs and using new tools to create the next scene. But now the hard part--how to edit out the stuff that dreams are made of, and keep the stuff that's at the core--the stuff that love is made of. Not reel-love, but real love.

There's something about being in love that makes me weak, and I always want to feel that. I always want to feel for a man what I feel in this song, only now I want to make sure that after I've been swept away, I am safely delivered back to myself, and that after I've been knocked off my feet, I am left standing on solid ground.

Click the sidebar to listen.

Questions in real time

How can I measure his love, when I can't measure my own? Why do I need him to move mountains to prove something for which there is no proof? How can I have faith one moment, and in next moment have none?

Where is the woman who used to ride horses, travel the world, and walk through the city in brown suede?

Joke by David

Q: What do you call the people in New England who voted for a Republican senator?
A: Mass O' Dumbshits.

Fact # 789,333

Actor Matt Damon recently moved into my mother's apartment building.

All in a day

Ate a plate-full of spinach, watched sunlight hit New York, bathed a Pekingese, and saw the joyful smile return to my sweetheart's face.

Love's limitations

When I was in my twenties, I thought my love could heal a man's heart. Now I know it can't.

What people do

My friend Kerry asks: Is it wrong to go to the ballet and drink champagne, even though I'm sitting in the $15 section and a glass of champagne costs $12?

Thoughts in real time

My friend Tai once told me she thought I spent more time setting the stage for my life than I did living it. Maybe it's because I do so much better in rehearsals than when I actually have to go on.

In real time

Putting off today what I could do tomorrow. Sad too, angry also. Would rather be swimming with dolphins at sunset.

Silly girl

Katie coughs.

Annie: Bless you.

Katie: But I didn't sneeze.

Annie: But I want to bless you with my condolences for future gratitude.

Katie: Huh?

In real time

Annie washes dishes and the dog sleeps by the radiator. I have no vision of a future, no longing to be in anyone's arms, and it feels like I might be OK forever, just like this.

In real time

Missing my sweetheart tonight.

The forest

I'll keep walking through. It's all I know to do.

And just like that...

Feet up, watching a movie, sipping tea. I felt my greatness.

It's my party

I can't seem to stop crying today. I made toast, I cried, I folded clothes, I cried, my friend Doug sent me this, and I cried.

I hope you'll listen to and enjoy it, and no crying allowed. Unless of course you feel like me, and you just can't help yourself.

xxok

Sitting at the sidebar

In the past three months I've fallen in love and into despair. I've been woken up and shut up, felt on top of the world and at the bottom of the barrel, and today it looks like my sidebar won't play. But I know each of the things listed is a condition--I know they'll all come and go and come and go again, and that we''ll all Float On anyway.

Click the sidebar if you can, and if you can't, just keep trying.

Secret

I've been feeling like garbage, floating over garbage--searching for a way to clean things up.

In real time

Freezing cold outside, hot tea with honey for my ailing throat. Laundry goes, so does my head, wondering what I can make of the day, and what it will bring on its own.

Merry Christmas

From my world to yours. xxo

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed a man I used to love was lying in a bed--his nose had a strip of tape across it to prevent him from snoring, and his neck was covered in acupuncture needles. In reality, he wasn't a very sensitive man, at least not outwardly, so I was surprised when he broke down in tears and cried because he missed me.

It's so easy...

... for me to feel loved, and unloved.

At the end of a calendar year, I can't help but look back--it just happens, it's just there. It's like reaching the finish line of another race, an evaluation of what came before and of how far I've come. It's also a reminder of how much further there is to go.

I want to thank my mother for being able to see more than two sides to everything. I want to thank David for his unwavering friendship, and Tai for being so close, even when she's so far. I want to thank Kerry for understanding heartbreak, and for knowing that when she washes my dishes, she shows me her love. I want to thank my brother Daniel for going to bat for me over and over again. I want to thank Elizabeth for her sisterhood and gut-splitting humor, and Lou Ann for making it impossible not to be part of our family. I want to thank Lisa for holding the rope when I climbed out of my self-imposed hell. I want to thank Norman for sharing with me his inspiring strength, and I want to thank Annie for giving me all the purpose I could ever need to travel through another year, and through the rest of my life.

Savor the tender way he looks at you, the strong way he holds your hand, the clean smell of your daughter's hair, or the easy smile on her perfect face. Because you never know when his words will sting, or how soon she will be leaving home.

In real time

Dinner cooks, Brubeck plays, Annie on computer, Martinis for me and my man.

In real time

Happy night last night--sweetheart, family, friends and martinis. Sad morning this morning--gray sky and longing for nothing. Happy day later--shower, coffee, music, and knowing joy is always a step away from here.

Wait for me

I always find my way back and when I do, as always, I'll have something to say.

Love.

K.

Moment in time

Last night, I vacuumed the rugs while he played his horn.

Laughing out loud

I love when I'm laughing in my dream and then I wake up because I'm also laughing out loud. (It's why I'm up so early this morning).

In my dreams

Last night I dreamed my friend Tai and I were talking about all the places we'd traveled. I dreamed she'd visited with Cristian, who was visiting his mother, who was visiting Miami. I dreamed I was in a room with Stephen Colbert, and he was making me laugh really hard.

I dreamed I had a new job in a small office, and was given a crappy little desk. I announced to everyone, "Hey, thanks for the crappy little desk, now I can do some crappy little work!" My coworkers looked at me with understanding and in agreement, but also with resignation. Soon an office manager walked in and handed me a set of keys. "These are for you," she said, "But they won't unlock anything."

In real time

It's a gray day and the sun breaks through, my sweetheart still sleeps and his dog chews a bone at my feet. There's a bird outside my window trying to tell me something, or maybe it's just sitting there, and I only imagine the rest.

The way things aren't

I thought I saw a sign that said, "Udder College," but it actually said, "Urban Cottage."

Just around the corner

We met for the first time at the corner cafe. He looked at me with a side glance, curious and smiling. The conversation flowed until he said he was leaving town for good.

Almost 4 weeks later, I met him again at the same cafe. He had made his move to the mid-west, and was back in New York to tie up loose ends. He looked at me with a side glance, curious and smiling and something more. We kissed, we courted, then returned together to St. Louis to retrieve his things.

For years he lived just around the corner. Now he lives with me.

Cleaning day

Opening my heart to someone at twenty-six was like being on a train. I bought a ticket and gave little thought to the speed I was traveling, or to whether or not I was on the right track. At forty-six, I still want the rush and I crave the unknown, but I'm also aware of reckless rides and roadblocks, and that I may need to avoid a crash.

I want to clear shelf space for him, put his toothbrush next to mine--create a sanctuary so, at the end of the day when he's done slaying dragons, he can return to a place of peace. I want to wash his socks and iron his shirts, and see the appreciation in his eyes when I do. My feminine gifts are domestic in form, physical, and spiritual--each one offered in return for all he gives me.

I'm learning a song on the guitar, and the words go like this:

Please, don't let me down this time-
I've come a long way just to fall back into line.

I've been singing those lyrics for two weeks now, silently asking him to please not let me down. But today, after running another load of laundry and stacking dry silverware into a drawer, I made time to practice my guitar. And the minute I sang that line, I cried because I knew it wasn't he who could let me down, it was me.

He requires nothing I don't already possess, demands nothing I don't give freely, but if I'm not careful, I could dedicate my life to being me, for him. I could let go of my blog, my book, my guitar and then my song--and if my song goes, so do I.

"Don't have faith in me," he said this morning. "Have faith in yourself."

I didn't have to process it or test to see if it was true.

So I'll cook when I cook and when I don't, there's take-out. I'll clean when I clean and when I don't, there's tomorrow. I'll walk by the river, write my book and I'll learn new songs, and I'll remember that the sanctuary he longs for won't be found in an empty sink, but in the full and fulfilled heart of the woman he loves.

Thoughts in real time

There's so much to say and nothing to say so I can't say a thing. I've found someone and it makes no sense, and it makes perfect sense, and he makes sense of it all.

Meet him in St. Louis

Flying out in the morning, driving back with him, home on Sunday. Bye, all.

Relative ride

Letting go of the reins can leave you out of control and in danger, or it can give you the freedom to do what comes naturally.

Gift

How amazing to fall in love in my twenties, feel all the sweetness, intensity and hope in the world and then, in my forties, do it all over again.