Yesterday I sat on my bed and cried, and Annie came in and began stroking my face."Did someone hurt your feelings?" she whispered.
"It's not someone," I replied. "It's me."
"What about you?" she asked.
"I have the habit of abandoning myself," I said. "And I should never do that."
In the past three years, I've gone from sleeping through life to living so wide awake that I long for the silence. I've created meaning where there is none and ignored meaning where it is. I've faced the story of the little girl whose father loved her but spent most of his time behind a closed door. I've moved closer to my enlightened self, at the same time repeatedly punished the demanding and lonely child who, inside a 44-year-old woman, still comes apart at the seams when she doesn't get her way.
My friend Bruce said he once felt that rather than face the truth, he'd prefer to die with his illusions intact. I understood this but unlike him, I'm still holding to mine for dear life. I am wedded to my ideas of how it should be, and attached to believing there's actually something outside myself that will finally bring me home. I'm addicted to love songs and fantasy because real life falls short, and I cling to a man I can't have, because if I could turn him into a reality, it might mean the death of my last illusion.
I often ask myself, When will I have enlightenment? When will I have freedom? Do I just have to think hard enough, pray long enough, meditate deeply enough? The truth is, I know the answer and I don't like it.
I don't have to sit on a mountaintop, I don't have to chant or change my diet, because it's all here now, in my breath, in my touch, in me--direct access to wisdom and grace, I am Divine.
So now what? Now what?
3 comments:
maybe ... just maybe ...
... you need to be present to the moment you're in ... hold to the illusion and in that, let it remain what it is ... hold to the illusion while also being open to what your real life offers you ...
... the illusion may never happen ... but something better may come that will allow the illusion to exist in its own timeless place complimenting the now with the richness of "perhaps" ...
... while the desires of your being - the divine part of yourself, creates this place to be what you want and need it to be ...
then in this moment - maybe you need to just let things happen and be open to the unexpected without anticipation or thought or question ...
just being present to the moment and what's around you ... maybe that's the "what now?" ...
... Nirvana?
I like both those options, and you know I'll keep you posted!
Love,
k
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