Saturday, November 19, 2011

Fast train to Firenze

I'm not sure how long it used to take to be carried on horseback from Rome to Florence, or the time it took travelers on the first train. I know that even now, by rail it can be a 3-hour trip, but I'm on the fast track and will be there in just over one.

This theme of running, this theme of time-does it keep getting put before me, or am I looking for it? Am I brave like my mama says, strong like the man who loves me says? Or am I just bailing out when it gets to be too much, and avoiding the mess by changing the view? I know that the point of power is in the present, and that peace can be found in every step, but I can't seem to stop this urge to bust things apart, even when I'm trying to put them together.

I was on the phone with my mother the other day and she asked, “How is your trip?” I laughed and replied, “Well, I brought me with me.”

“And did you think you wouldn't?” she asked. And my answer was true.

“I guess I always think I won't.” I said. “I guess I always hope that when I go away, I will leave me behind.”

I'm not looking for happiness anymore because I have it. I'm not looking for a man anymore because I finally understand how limited they are, as I am limited. I'm not looking for success because I already gave birth to a magical child, and I'm not looking for love because it's already everywhere.

I'm not sure how many more steps I'll take before I reach my final “stazzione,” but while I'm on my way I want to keep boarding trains that go fast to places that are new. And I'm gonna try not to mind that when in Italy, unless I can say something correctly I would prefer not to speak at all, and that when I'm here, like when I'm home, I can cry for obvious reasons as well as reasons that can't be explained.

I just wish I could have more time to breath, more time at peace, more time to sleep and dream of owls, and more time to travel at different speeds. I just wish that when I went away, I could go away, so that when I took me with me... I could take me with me.

1 comment:

wendy mccarroll gallegos said...

wow! brilliant and thoughtful as always.